by NomadAUS » 23. Sep 2003, 22:50
Sorry wollte keinen auf die fuesse tretten; meine antwort war ironisch gemeint mit ROFL.
Um die Australische leute und ihren humor zu verstehen muest ihr erst eimal das land kennen lernen. Well hier eine kleine Australien hilfe.
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of
many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous
bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which
plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but the still
call it the "Great Australia Bight" proving that not only are they
covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all
three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are
curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them
all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down), and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that
are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is
the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends
its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the
night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in
two ways:
First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard
Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At
night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9
wheels on one side, and this merely makes them (wombats) annoyed. They
express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller
cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results
that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing
behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole,
the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Woa!. My hole is
collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up
against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its
collapse.
Any unfortunate's hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will
cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then
bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him
from seeking assistance. This considered the third most embarrassing
known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged
relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet,
lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel,
and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical' Australian attributes into a large improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived
in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lots of
them died. The one's that survived learned respect for the balance of
nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving
form the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and
a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) -
whereas all the Aborigines can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extend
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world,
and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretending to be a rock, and which has venomous barbs sticking out of
it back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However,
watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a strange,
unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and
impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major
engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron,
string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
is Greener on the Other Side of the Fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia _is_, in fact, the other side of that Fence. They call
the land, "Oz", "Godzone (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country")
and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating
thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not
under any circumstance suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you
are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a
minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best
(insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you and, on your first night, take you to a pub where
Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse.
It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with
an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange
clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off
any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we
took him to the pub." to which the policeman will sagely nod and close
his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every state, and
noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this
unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
"G'day!"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp (or blunt) stick."
"She'll be right."
"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn
and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and
the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.
And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the
breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is
a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down any hole for any reason whatsoever. We
mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think
it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful
thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, Volumes 1-42".
Land meiner Träume 
. Mag sein das die frauen, die du kennst sich nicht rasieren. ich denke mal eher das die aussies ein prob mit dem rasieren haben. ausserdem hast du nicht was gescheites zu berichten, nur son quatsch mit socken und rasieren ???